Each different part influences and is influenced by the others.
If a part of a system changes, the environment surrounding that part becomes altered, reshaping itself in response to the change. As the environment is reshaped, the part itself, as well as the surrounding parts, must adapt to the change in the environment, initiating yet another change.
This pattern continues such that the part(s) and the environment are in constant flux.
Therefore, regardless of whether it is the environment that begins a change or a part(s) if one part of any system changes the other components of that system must inherently follow.
The above dynamic is applicable to everything, including relationships.
A common theme of discussion in my office is stress and a lot of the stress that is talked about results from difficult relationship dynamics.
The main focus tends to be: why won’t this person in my life change?
It can be — change behavior, change lifestyle, change attitude, change language, change habits, etc.
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I often find myself saying, you either accept them for who they are as they are now or you decide to change.
In principle, we cannot change other people, as much as we may try.
If we don’t try, however, and we instead change ourselves, then inherently those around us will change. The reason for this is explained by the above dynamic.
If we change, our surroundings must change along with everything within those surroundings, which in turn will change us again. Clearly we are not the only ones participating in any dynamic that unfolds, and this is why the change we make in ourselves must be genuine and not driven by ulterior motives.
If it is driven by ulterior motives, then we quickly fall back into old patterns when the other participants and/or parts of a relationship system repeat their respective patterns or habits.
The key is admitting to yourself that you want something to change, not that you want someone to change.
That immediately takes the edge off of who’s responsible for what’s happening in the dynamic. Most of the time all parties involved are equally responsible because the behavior of all parties is perpetuating the pattern, which is a direct product of the interaction that is taking place.
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The second piece to the puzzle is to soften your perspective.
There is no right answer.
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There’s only the unraveling of our individual stories and how those stories intertwine with the stories of others to unfold joint and personal experience.
The stories are so intensely personal that figuring out what is best for everyone often becomes insanely difficult. So this is when we turn inwards and look at ourselves.
Changing ourselves means admitting that something is wrong, realizing that everyone involved is at least partially responsible, softening our opinion in order to gain some perspective, and then asking ourselves what thoughts or emotions (including hope) are driving us to continue participating in a pattern that is unfolding, often to our frustration, for the hundredth time.
So if you currently find yourself in an upsetting or frustrating relationship dynamic, take a moment to reflect on what in the dynamic is really bothering you. And then start embodying the concept that if you change with genuine intention, your surroundings will change as well.
Changing can only bring you more experience.
More experience inherently informs your life.
Informed, you can make decisions that are self-nourishing.
Nourished, you have the strength, the will, and the courage to self-actualize.
Author: Samantha Lotti
Samantha Lotti is the founder of Biodynamic Health and creator of Body Compassing. She is a certified and registered Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapist (BCST, RCST®), licensed acupuncturist (L.Ac.) and board certified herbalist in Oak Park, Illinois. A personal back injury brought Samantha to biodynamic craniosacral therapy and ignited her interest in a variety of healing modalities.